Of Leopard Print Bathing Suits

Yesterday I bought the most fantastic bathing suit.  It fits perfectly, and it is smokin' hot, like in a busty, leopard print kind of way.  It makes me want to put on really red lipstick and high heels, and maybe one of those '60s head scarves and big, black-framed, movie star sunglasses. It is that awesome.

Just thinking about bathing suits used to make me want to move to an arctic climate. Part of the problem was finding one I liked, but that was often compounded by the fact the I would be wearing the suit, and therefore, by default, I didn't like any of them. Obviously, the real problem was that I didn't like my body.  How tragic!  But for me, now, the most tragic part of this is that I am not alone in my body-hate experience of bathing suit season!

When I came out of the dressing room today, I told the dumbfounded lady at the counter that I LOVED my bathing suit, and couldn't get over how great it looked.  She said that she has never heard anyone say that after trying on a bathing suit.  Ugh!  When I think of all of the women out there trying on bathing suits, and hating themselves, and telling themselves horrible things while looking in the mirror, it makes me so mad!  We all should be able to look at ourselves in the mirror and see the gorgeous, amazing, powerful things about our bodies, instead of the perceived "flaws."  Because our bodies ARE gorgeous and amazing and powerful!  Think of all of the amazing things your body has done for you - even just today! 

In my experience, if we tell ourselves terrible things, we start to believe them, and then we live our lives as if all of the terrible things we tell ourselves are true.  This is a painful cycle, and a difficult habit to break.  It hurts to believe that our bodies are not good enough, and it hurts to live as if there is something wrong with us, that we are damaged, flawed, or worthless.  And it keeps hurting until we say "enough."  Enough bullshit. Enough torture. Enough negative crap.

And when we take the chance, and stand up four ourselves, we find that, "enough" takes on a new life.  I am enough.  My body is enough.  I am good enough to rock a leopard print bathing suit.

Fat Girls Can't Do Wheel Pose and Other Soul-Crushing Myths

I did a really beautiful wheel pose today in yoga class.  This is a big deal for me.  Yes, I have done this pose before, but usually I muscle my way into and end up kindof scrunched in the back - not fun.  Anyhow, I learned how to lead with the heart, which essentially takes all the pressure off of your back.  Fabulous!  And, I really did feel my heart open...

At first, I didn't think I was up for it today.  I haven't been to yoga class for a week (which feels like forever), and it was a really sweaty, challenging class with lots of backbends. Let me just state for the record that I usually hate backbends.  They're hard, and I feel unstable, and they tend to hurt my back.  Needless to say,  I was a little bit over it by the time we got to the wheel pose. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) the teacher told us that the poses we hate are the ones we need the most. *SIGH*  So, there went my excuses about backbending being unlikeable.  Still, I noticed old thoughts creeping in - the ugly kind of thoughts like "fat girls can't do poses like this," and "I am not good at yoga because I am fat - I should just do the easy bridge pose, and fake my way through it. Nobody expects me to do this, anyway."  I suddenly wanted to hide, which was impossible given that I was at the front of the room.

So, when the teacher came over to me, and essentially told me I had to try it, I told those nasty fat girl myths to take a hike, and led with the heart. And my body followed.  I really have never actually felt good in the wheel pose, but this felt really, really good!  In that moment, I felt my heart open, and not just physically.  I suddenly remembered that I am loved and worthy.  I am deeply connected, deeply present, and deeply alive. 

I didn't need to cave in and hide, I needed to open up from the heart, and breathe. 

I love yoga because it is absolutely true that the lessons I need in my life come through working with the poses.  If I limit myself because I am "too fat," as I have done many times before in my life, where does that leave me?  Caving in and hiding out.  Bowing to the pressure of nasty myths about what I can't do, and who I can't be.  It leaves me broken and half-hearted, and I am a full-hearted kind of girl.  It only makes sense, then, that the practice I need now, in yoga and in life, is the practice of leading with the heart, and opening to possibility. 

Coming Out as a Fat Lady

Call it what you will - fat lady, big girl, round, rubenesque, Big Beautiful Woman, the list goes one. I have been called many names in my life - some uttered with kindness, and some with utter cruelty. Well, today I am laying claim to my body, and taking back the names.  I am reveling in my fatness, my rubenesque form, my bigness and my beauty.  Today, I am living fully in my body - exactly as it is - and encouraging everyone else to do so as well! 

This absolutely feels like an "outing" to me. I am saying, in public no less, that I feel good about my body, exactly as it is, even though there is alot of shaming and blaming out there to make me, and many, many other women, feel like our bodies are damaged goods.  I can tell you that it takes alot of courage, which I am also claiming to have in this very public moment, to go against the cultural grain and accept your body!

Let's face it:  "fat" in our culture equals "bad." Except that I am not bad. I am a relatively likable, happy woman with a full life!  I have a devoted husband who loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. I have happy children and fabulous friends. I am typically really healthy, which, by the way, has been very confusing for me. If I eat well and exercise, I'm supposed to be skinny, right? I was promised that healthy=skinny, and skinny=happy.  So what's up with me?

I was skinny once in my life, for about a year. It was the worst year of my life. I got so much positive feedback - how wonderful that I looked so great! My grandmother would have been so proud. I got attention from men. I could wear any kind of clothing I wanted. Doctors were nice to me. But I was totally obsessed with my weight and food.  I lived in fear of being fat again, and lived with a constant, grinding hunger - physical, spiritual, and emotional. My bones felt tired. I ran miles and miles every day, and freaked out if I couldn't get in enough exercise. I was living on sprouted grain bread and carrot sticks. I stopped menstruating. I wouldn't share my grapes with my preschooler because I had measured them, goddamnit, and they were mine! I spanked my older son (which I never do, and absolutely abhor). My friends could hardly stand being with me, and I could hardly stand being with me.  I was a cranky, crazy bitch. Is that supposed to be happy? Is that supposed to be healthy? Give me a break.

So, eventually, when I couldn't keep it together anymore, I entered the labyrinth of recovery. It has been a long road, but here I am, still trekking. Fat, but happy. And healthy. And getting to a place of relatively stable wellness.

At this point, lots of psychotherapy, schooling, and personal work are coming together. Of course, it is a continuing journey, but I am ready to go public with it.

I am a Fat Lady.

There it is - my "outing." I am not a fat girl trying to get thin. I refuse to apologize for being my own version of healthy any longer. I am not going to subject myself to any more torture (even in my own head) in order to fit the cultural ideal of what a beautiful (or even acceptable) woman is. I refuse to harbor shame around my body, and I refuse to have my worth as a person dictated by my size. I am claiming my right to respect, love, and care in my life. Everyone deserves this.

The reality is that one's size has nothing to do with the state of one's healthy. Amazed? Me, too! It is true that we can be Healthy at Every Size. There is a growing community of HAES supporters.  HAES is based on science, not on diet-industry-funded pseudo science. It turns out that I am not actually faulty, damaged, or otherwise junk. What a relief!

So, this blog is about my journey of self-acceptance, at whatever size I naturally am. It is about supporting other women to claim their right to happy, healthy lives, whatever their weight. It is about standing up to hate, in all its forms. It is about healing from shame on a personal and a political level. It is about me, trying to make a bit of a difference in the world.