Have I mentioned that I LOVE yoga? I do, I love it. It makes me feel human, brings me back down to earth, and generally puts the kibosh on any internalized self-hate or crazy diet talk going on in my head.
I have a membership at a yoga studio, which I have used sporadically enough to make it not quite worth the $100 a month fee. I have been going back and forth about keeping it, not because I don't do enough yoga, but because I can do yoga at home with relatively similar results, and without the scheduling issues. Plus, when I do yoga at home, I really have to listen to my body. There aren't any other bodies with me, no teacher, no other students, no nothing. Just me, myself and I. Uh-Oh.
When it is just me, I am really left with just me. That means that I am faced with the reality of myself, both on the mat and in life. Whatever I do or don't do in my life is what tends to show up while attempting to do yoga at home. Avoidance, fear, self-doubt? There they are. Joy, happiness, and exuberance? They are there, too, thank goodness, but those aren't the things that need so much work. It's easy to hang out with joy when it comes up, but self-doubt? Not so much.
As I am writing this, I realize why I have been hemming and hawing about letting go of the yoga membership. If I really just do it on my own, I have to take responsibility for my crap. I can't blame a difficult session on the teacher, or on the distractions of other people. The "blame" rests squarely with me. If I don't push myself, it's because I am not pushing myself. If I don't rest when it's appropriate, or practice as long or as often as I would like to, it's because of me. These are things I have to look at, and respond to, in myself.
Yesterday morning I went to a meditation class, and the teacher was talking about how we have to become "warriors" by summoning the courage to truly see ourselves as we are. It is an act of bravery to look at our own stuff, and like warriors, we have to go into battle for the higher good. For me, this is a life and death battle. If I don't engage with myself, on the yoga mat, or on the meditation cushion, or just in life, I risk dying to the beauty of living fully, in the moment. I risk living (or dying) under the constant tyranny of my mind - with all of the shame, blame, judgment, avoidance, anger, fear, and doubt that that entails. That is not living! That stinks. It leaves me feeling confused and isolated and worn out.
It is not just that I love yoga, or mediation, it's that I have to practice these things in order to live a sane life. I need them just to create some space between me and my crazy-ass mind! I have to learn to listen to my body. I have to learn when to be still, and when to move. I have to engage with the good and the terrible in me, every day, because if I don't, I am left with no me at all. I am left with that girl who worries about feeling fat all of the the time, who can't make sense of her life, and is stuck repeating all kinds of negative, addictive, self-harming patterns. I can't do that anymore, so here I am. Going in to battle, over and over again, every day. And it is worth it.
I would still like to hit a few yoga classes occasionally, but mostly I think I just need them as support for my home practice. Classes are definitely a source of inspiration as well. Maybe I need both, and will just have to find a balance. Honestly, though, I love yoga whenever, and wherever, I can get it. I feel very grateful for having yoga in my life. Yoga allows me to appreciate and love my body, while simultaneously healing mind and spirit - which I can tell you is exactly what I need.
Showing posts with label yoga. Show all posts
Showing posts with label yoga. Show all posts
Monday, September 6, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Fat Girls Can't Do Wheel Pose and Other Soul-Crushing Myths
I did a really beautiful wheel pose today in yoga class. This is a big deal for me. Yes, I have done this pose before, but usually I muscle my way into and end up kindof scrunched in the back - not fun. Anyhow, I learned how to lead with the heart, which essentially takes all the pressure off of your back. Fabulous! And, I really did feel my heart open...
At first, I didn't think I was up for it today. I haven't been to yoga class for a week (which feels like forever), and it was a really sweaty, challenging class with lots of backbends. Let me just state for the record that I usually hate backbends. They're hard, and I feel unstable, and they tend to hurt my back. Needless to say, I was a little bit over it by the time we got to the wheel pose. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) the teacher told us that the poses we hate are the ones we need the most. *SIGH* So, there went my excuses about backbending being unlikeable. Still, I noticed old thoughts creeping in - the ugly kind of thoughts like "fat girls can't do poses like this," and "I am not good at yoga because I am fat - I should just do the easy bridge pose, and fake my way through it. Nobody expects me to do this, anyway." I suddenly wanted to hide, which was impossible given that I was at the front of the room.
So, when the teacher came over to me, and essentially told me I had to try it, I told those nasty fat girl myths to take a hike, and led with the heart. And my body followed. I really have never actually felt good in the wheel pose, but this felt really, really good! In that moment, I felt my heart open, and not just physically. I suddenly remembered that I am loved and worthy. I am deeply connected, deeply present, and deeply alive.
I didn't need to cave in and hide, I needed to open up from the heart, and breathe.
I love yoga because it is absolutely true that the lessons I need in my life come through working with the poses. If I limit myself because I am "too fat," as I have done many times before in my life, where does that leave me? Caving in and hiding out. Bowing to the pressure of nasty myths about what I can't do, and who I can't be. It leaves me broken and half-hearted, and I am a full-hearted kind of girl. It only makes sense, then, that the practice I need now, in yoga and in life, is the practice of leading with the heart, and opening to possibility.
At first, I didn't think I was up for it today. I haven't been to yoga class for a week (which feels like forever), and it was a really sweaty, challenging class with lots of backbends. Let me just state for the record that I usually hate backbends. They're hard, and I feel unstable, and they tend to hurt my back. Needless to say, I was a little bit over it by the time we got to the wheel pose. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) the teacher told us that the poses we hate are the ones we need the most. *SIGH* So, there went my excuses about backbending being unlikeable. Still, I noticed old thoughts creeping in - the ugly kind of thoughts like "fat girls can't do poses like this," and "I am not good at yoga because I am fat - I should just do the easy bridge pose, and fake my way through it. Nobody expects me to do this, anyway." I suddenly wanted to hide, which was impossible given that I was at the front of the room.
So, when the teacher came over to me, and essentially told me I had to try it, I told those nasty fat girl myths to take a hike, and led with the heart. And my body followed. I really have never actually felt good in the wheel pose, but this felt really, really good! In that moment, I felt my heart open, and not just physically. I suddenly remembered that I am loved and worthy. I am deeply connected, deeply present, and deeply alive.
I didn't need to cave in and hide, I needed to open up from the heart, and breathe.
I love yoga because it is absolutely true that the lessons I need in my life come through working with the poses. If I limit myself because I am "too fat," as I have done many times before in my life, where does that leave me? Caving in and hiding out. Bowing to the pressure of nasty myths about what I can't do, and who I can't be. It leaves me broken and half-hearted, and I am a full-hearted kind of girl. It only makes sense, then, that the practice I need now, in yoga and in life, is the practice of leading with the heart, and opening to possibility.
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